Coping with horror by Phil Jacobs, Editor
Jewish Times, July 6, 2001
You have to make a telephone call to Israel on a hot, humid day in Baltimore.
Your kids want you to hurry up so that you can take them to the pool.
It's a call you've been dreading through Shabbat and into Sunday.
The "you" is me. The person I interviewed Sunday was Rabbi Seth
Mandell, the former University of Maryland Hillel director. I wish that
I had to call him about student activities at College Park. Instead, we
were talking about what his eight weeks have been like since the brutal
stoning murder of his 13-year-old son Koby, and his friend Yossi Ishran
near their home in Tekoa.
Rabbi Mandell, a friend of Rabbi Menachem Goldberger, will be speaking
at Congregation Tiferes Yisroel on Wednesday, July 11 at 8:15 p.m. His
speech is open to the community and is co-sponsored by Tiferes Yisroel,
Beth Tfiloh, the Baltimore Jewish Council, Shomrei Emunah and B'nai Jacob
Shaarei Zion.
Go ahead, be a journalist. What on earth can one ask Rabbi Mandell without
coming across as insensitive? How are you doing? How have you been feeling?
What answer can we possibly expect from a man who has experienced the
unthinkable?
I remember going through something similar when getting ready to interview
a Holocaust survivor. I heard myself ask the survivor what he had "learned"
from his experience. I couldn't believe I asked such a question. But the
survivor came right back with an answer, one I've never forgotten: "I've
learned to keep a packed suitcase in the front closet and a passport ready
at all times."
I asked Rabbi Mandell two basic questions. How does he get out of bed
in the morning? And how does he not hate? That's as good as I could get.
I felt like an intruder into his private pain. I just wanted to tell him
somehow that I cared for him, and then leave him be.
"The central message I'll be giving next week is that what we've
learned and come to realize is that this was not a matter of land, it
was hatred," he said. "This was essentially a hate crime. It
was perpetrated and inculcated within the Palestinian population. We believe
it was part of a deliberate attempt made by the Palestinian Authority
to incite Palestinians to kill Jews wherever they can find them. My son
and his friend Yossi happened to be in an isolated area and were come
upon by Palestinians simply because the Palestinians knew they could
. They were killed because they were Jews."
Rabbi Mandell answered my questions, as simple as they were. He gets out
of bed each day for several reasons. One motivation is his three other
children. "To compound the tragedy by ruining their lives is unthinkable.
We have to go on because of the other children."
Another motivation is his obligation to say Kaddish for his Koby. He calls
this part of the "practical" framework he and his wife have
to move forward.
Another reason is philosophical. He places his son's murder in the context
of Jewish history, and he tries to turn it into a Kiddish HaShem or a
way to honor God's name. He said that people all over the world were for
a moment unified by the horror of Koby's murder. It changed the attitudes
of many people toward the conflict. He talks about the phone calls he's
received, even from Christians and their clergy, who want to offer comfort.
"It reinforced," he said, "what we've learned from the
Torah, that we are part of something that came before and will continue
on in the lives of the Jewish people as a nation."
Rabbi Mandell and his family also have started the Koby Foundation. This
is a non-profit formed to help Israeli siblings of children who somehow
have been hurt by traumatic loss, be it through terrorism, or even an
auto accident or illness. The Koby Foundation will start a camp for these
children. Rabbi Mandell has asked that contributions to the Koby Foundation
be directed to Rabbi Goldberger at 6201 Park Heights Ave., Baltimore,
Md. 21215. Checks should be made out to Congregation Tiferes Yisroel.
But Koby Foundation should be written on the "memo" line of
the check.
"We believe that Koby would have done a lot of good in his life,"
said Rabbi Mandell. "He would have given tzedakah, and he would have
worked for many. We feel that a foundation in his name can substitute
for the good that was stolen from the world. Whatever a child goes through
with traumatic loss, we feel we want to make a camp structured to bring
them together."
This is how Rabbi Mandell gets out of bed.
But what of the hate? Can he hate? Does he hate the Palestinians? "I
look at the people who committed this horrendous crime, the same way I
look at the boulders they used to smash the boys' heads in," he said.
"They were not people, they were things. They were brainwashed by
the Palestinian Authority to hate Jews. The hatred was so intense; they
killed 13-year-old boys enjoying nature. Their hatred was like the boulders.
They were implements of hatred.
"But since [Ehud] Barak's offer, it tells us that this is no longer
an issue of land," he continued. "As long as hatred is instilled
by the Palestinian leadership to children as young as 2 and 3, I don't
see any peace in the offing. I believe Jews want to make peace. I believe
there are Palestinians who want peace. But the Palestinian citizenry is
being incited to hate Jews on a daily basis. Israel can't make peace with
people who hate."
This is the Mandells' first trip to the States since the tragedy. He will
be speaking in places such as Philadelphia and perhaps Washington, D.C.
It will give the family a breather, Rabbi Mandell said.
One last question.
Did you consider just leaving Israel after this? "To leave now would
compound the tragedy, especially for my children. They love Israel."
I remembered the interview with the Holocaust survivor. I remembered the
question again, "What did you learn..."
I didn't ask it. I knew the answer already.
The Mandells don't have the figurative passport and the suitcase packed.
But maybe we should.